Breaking news: interview with a Mattel Apologist

Last night while visiting Target looking for the ever elusive last Hasbro Secret Wars comic 2 pack that I need I meet a rather interesting individual. Let's call him "Hank", as his actual identity becoming known will cause him undue harm. I criticized Mattel's DC Comics product and Hank was quick to jump to their defense, in what may have become an action figure isle smackdown if not for the threating presence of my Uncle Rudy milling about keeping the odds of any violence breaking out in my favor.
(Uncle Rudy in Target)

Hank, informed me that Mattel was the greatest company in the world, that everyone (even if they have zero interest) should buy multiples of all of their products and no one should ever question them. Then he laughed and excused himself for he was an official and professional Mattel Apologist. Here is an excerpt of our conversation:

Travis Tredwell (TT): But I do not care for DC, why should I buy them?

Hank: Cuz you HAVE to. If Mattel ever gets the Marvel lincense you can then like Marvel again.

TT: Are you crazy?

Hank: No just well, paid. There's a reason DCUC retail for $15 when they're really only worth $10 to $12 at the most.

TT: You are on Mattel's payroll?

Hank: Not officially. And I'm not the only one who is not officially employed by that undisclosed company.

TT: What do you actually do, besides harassing people in Target's toy department?

Hank: I'm a member of pretty much any and every toy and action figure forum under different names. Where my duties entail, absolute religious defense of Mattel and their practices in any and all conversations plus flooding the bi-monthly Q&As with fluff questions.

TT: And they pay you for this?

Hank: Not officially.

TT: What if they are obviously wrong, as I here they so often are?

Hank: They are NEVER wrong. The customer is always wrong, Mattel is always right!

TT: How did your "position" come about?

Hank: I'm a professional Corporate Apologist, I also work with several video game/software companies, as well as a major big box retailer also unofficially.

TT: I will tell you that I do not like Mattel and I will never buy their products.

Hank: Well, if is wasn't for that freaking old guy standing behind you I'd make sure you purchased a cart full of Mattel product. Is he on drugs?

TT: Yes, I'm sorry I'm a Hasbro and Marvel guy.

Hank: Yeah my friend Frank is too. Hasbro Apologist, unofficially of course. (motioning to Uncle Rudy) That dude is really creeping me out.

We left without purchasing anything (as is usually the case), although Uncle Rudy stole some beef jerky (as is also usually the case). We ran into Hank in the parking lot again but I ignored him, Uncle Rudy didn't. He pistol whipped him and took his wallet.